Zombies may seem like a strange introduction to my world, but after all, who doesn’t love a zombie? They don’t claim benefits, they don’t clog up the NHS waiting lists and they’re not in the slightest bit materialistic. They belong to a simpler time really. They don’t care for smart phones or iPads, all they really want is three square meals a day. Preferably three fatties who’ve spent their whole lives gorging on doughnuts but even your average anorexic will satisfy, if all else fails.
Anyway, I like to spend a lot of time watching zombie films and zombie TV. My favourite zombie film would definitely have to be “28 Days Later” as the zombies liked to chase people through areas of London I used to know well and I can point at the telly and say ‘I’ve been there!’. When it comes to TV it has to be “The Walking Dead”. I like a bit of drama/totty with my savage, blood-curdling deaths, you see.
While watching these televisual delights from behind the nearest cushion, I often wonder to myself, what would I do if it was me. How would I survive? This thought makes me particularly anxious in my current house as it doesn’t have a loft and I’d always assumed that would be the best place to hide (as long as Zombies never learn how to use ladders). So now I need a new plan. Therefore, the ten things I wish for in the event of a zombie apocalypse are as follows:
- Survivalist Nut Husband. I need a man to stock up the cupboards with bottled water, torches and a whole lot of cream of tomato soup (other varieties are available, but I don’t like them, so don’t ask me to promote them here). 1(b)The aforementioned man may also be useful as a form of sacrifice if the zombies get to close and there’s no other way out.
- Contraceptives. I better hope my prescription is up to date because nobody wants to be fleeing from a herd of zombies with a crying baby in tow. Be brutal people, those little folk are only going to slow you down.
- Weapons. I think we all know by now that the perfect combination of weapons to have, when fighting of a gang of zombies, is the crossbow, sword, gun (preferably with silencer) and dagger. Baseball bats or ship’s cannons won’t do. When killing a zombie think, quiet and precise.
- A good book, although not necessarily the good book. No TV, no Wi-Fi, so I better go old school and have a mobile library close to hand.
- A complete lack of conscience. This will be very helpful if I’m forced to kill something small and fluffy for dinner. Also see 1(b) above.
- A big gang of very strong and very loyal friends. I’m not going to survive on my own out there. And I’ll need somebody to carry my suitcases too.
- A speedboat. Although the characters on TV never seem to flee to deserted islands, that would definitely be my first plan.
- Rollerskates (the retro kind). I’m fairly confident, I could get away from any zombie with a pair of those. Perhaps I might need some elbow pads too…
- A close personal friendship with the Prime Minister. You know he’ll be squirreled away in some old cold war bunker somewhere. If he takes me with him, I can guarantee him months (or years if required) of scintillating conversation and games of Uno.
- Means of rebuilding the planet. I’m thinking Noah’s Ark meets a good farming supply shop. Number 2 on the list can also be re-thought at this point.
So there it is, the definitive list on how I hope to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse. If I’ve forgotten anything, then please let me know.