You may have noticed by now that I like a good book. I really believe reading makes you a better person. I know that I’ve allowed certain non-readers into my acquaintance, but I’m hoping that, just by brushing up against them when they’re least expecting it, I’ll somehow pass on my love for all things literature.
If you’re a woman of a certain age and you like to read books then inevitably, you will have to ask yourself a very, very important question. Should I join a book club? The answer will generally be yes but bear in mind the following ten thoughts, before committing to the alcohol fuelled institution, that is the book club.
Whenever I finally give up all pretensions of being a polite person, these are the things I will say at book club:
1. Your book choice is really, really boring. Instead of saying something polite like, didn’t the author do a really good job of getting to grips with the semi-colon, I’d like to be able to say ‘Hey you! That book you forced us to read last month, was bloody awful. Just because I have a general liking for books doesn’t mean I want to read drivel like that. Hang your head in shame!’
2. Your ideas are crazy and no I didn’t think that little girl in the first chapter was actually a ghost/demon/symbol of capitalism oppression. She was just a nice little girl, get over it!
3. No you shouldn’t have that third glass of wine. You were talking rubbish after the first glass so a third one isn’t going to help.
4. We were talking about To Kill a Mockingbird Bird and now you’ve shifted the conversation to a diatribe on Lord of the Rings. That’s so not helpful OR interesting. Would it kill you to stick to the book we’ve spent the last month reading?
5. You didn’t like the book I spent weeks choosing? Let’s take this outside.
6. You didn’t have time to read the book? You had a whole f***ing month. That’s about ten pages a day. If you can’t read ten pages a day then don’t join a f***ing book club.
7. No, we don’t want to read any erotica. I don’t want to be stuck sitting next to the old guy in the navy cords, who’s getting a stiffy.
8. So this book reminds you off a time when you spent six months travelling round South East Asia? That’s got nothing to do with the book has it? You basically just like the sound of your own voice, don’t you? Get a Thai bride if you want someone to sit and listen to your boring stories.
9. I don’t like red wine. Can I have a vodka and Irn Bru instead?
10. Okay, you’re a hundred and fifty and you speak five different languages but can anybody else get a word in?