Ten things I wish were calorie free.


Let’s face it. Ten things is really not going to be enough. One hundred things is probably going to be closer to the mark. Just think of all the cheeses in the world. Or all the chocolates. Or all the different things you can throw in a deep fat fryer (particularly if like me, you’re Scottish). How on earth will I ever narrow all my little addictions down to such a small number? I don’t know how I’ll do it but I’ll be brave. For you guys.

1. Deep fried pizza. A delightful Scottish delicacy which you get in chip shops north of the border. It doesn’t particularly taste like normal pizza but it does taste GOOD! This should be topped with a lovely Scottish condiment called chippy sauce. Really, there are no words. If I hadn’t moved to England, I would be the size of a house from eating these things.

2. Chocolate anything. Of course! What nincompoop wouldn’t have this on their list. White chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate orange, mint chocolate, chocolate inside things, things inside chocolate. I could go on but I’m beginning to drool.

3. Irn-bru. A delightfully vibrant, fizzy drink from Scotland. They say it’s made from girders but sometimes I wonder if they are having us on. There is a diet equivalent to this elixir but obviously it’s not as good. Irn-bru is great as a mixer with Vodka but also a great hangover cure for the morning after.

4. Baked Camembert. Melted, gooey. Perfection.

5. Chicken roast dinner. Let’s talk stuffing and roasted veg and plenty of gravy! Let’s talk two different types of potatoes. You even get to have a wee nap afterwards.

6. Crisp sandwiches. I know this may repulse some people but I don’t care, they’re that good. The bread must be white, the butter must be thickly spread and the crisps must be ready salted.

7. Butteries. A Scottish breakfast miracle. Kind of like a croissanty type roll but lots better. You can literally feel your arteries closing up as you eat these.

8. Wine. Because it makes you feel so much prettier.

9. Coffee cake. Hate coffee, love coffee cake. Really all kinds of cake should be commemorated here. And yes Battenburg that means you!

10. Bacon sandwiches. Who doesn’t love bacon? I’m sure even those hard core vegans who worship at the alter of the chick pea, still secretly lust after a bit of bacon.

And now I’m at an end and I haven’t even had a chance to mention crusty white bread or Austrian smoked cheese or prawn crackers or onion bhajis. Oh dear.


About tenthingsiwish

White Anglo-Saxon Athiest Jock living in England. Writing, raiding the fridge and running from the hoover.
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